friends are friends until they're gone.

The way it works is sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. I wish they're was a way to see into the future, to understand why things happen or don't happen the way they do.

Pat Flynn. It's been over a month since he's taken his own life. I wonder what he's doing. If his spirit is roaming the earth watching over his loved ones he left behind. Or maybe he's somebody else now, his spirit traveled somewhere else and is brand new again in the form of a newborn.  it makes me wonder if that is true, if his new self will kill his new self 24 years down the road.

Is that how it works? Some people just aren't meant to live for very long. Some of us go early, not by choice, and others of us go to our own regret- every single time they're on the earth.

When somebody kills themselves with a gun it seems so much more serious to me. Like they themselves wanted it to be that much more serious to everyone else. When somebody kills themselves with a gun it's not pretend. There are no second chances the way it can be with pills or slashing your wrists. A gun is instantaneous and the truest kind of lethal. That's it, no time for rehab or therapy. This was my choice and now everyone else has to deal.

I feel broken-hearted and helpless for people who choose suicide. the way all the living feels when it happens. it makes me want to call Pat's Mom and tell her it's not her fault. Call everyone Pat ever knew and tell them it's not their fault. 

I wonder if because I'm writing and thinking about him, his spirit can sense it and is next to me now. Reading over my shoulder, disagreeing with everything I think. If once you die, your spirit grows exponentially- being everywhere at once, with every person who could ever hope to think of you no matter they're location.

Heaven's always seemed like a selfish place to me. Why should we need an afterlife if we lived the best we knew how during our living life? Shouldn't this life be enough? I wonder if I'd still think that if I wasn't American.  

   Until now, heaven's always seemed selfish- something people make up to make themselves feel good about dying. What's so bad about dying if you know you did your best and made the most of it while you were alive? But there are those who didn't. There are those like Pat Flynn who I hope are in heaven. Who deserve heaven. And who deserve to wait for their family to be back together. I hope heaven exists, if nothing else for that reason.

    

I wonder when you die if someone comes to you and gives you a list of options and tells you to pick. Like buying a new car, sort of.  They show you a list of all possible options for your soul and body: heaven, reincarnation, becoming an angel, rotting in your grave etc.  And if you were a good person, your reward is to pick. You get to choose what happens to you. I wonder if you're lucky enough to pick more than one. Like: I want my body to chill out in this casket and eventually become part of the earth, and I want my soul to be shuffled on to the next life.  Just like a car. We're really just like a car that's able to upgrade.

Man and it's inventions. When I'm 90 I will re-write this and I'm sure it will be much more eloquent and appropriate.  Although, I hope to never be too appropriate. Life is full of those who are too appropriate. I'll let them worry about it.