Feeling Guilty

My girls' weekend has been canceled/postponed once again. This time for the hurricane that is coming. Oh wait, did I say hurricane? I mean tropical storm. Oh and the storm isn't really supposed to get here until Friday. But wait, what's today? Tuesday? And I'm in Santiago right now for consolidation? Yes, there is disdain and annoyance in my voice. Can you feel it? 

Peace Corps divides the country into six different regions, and each volunteer belongs to a region based on where they live. Four out of the six regions in the country are being consolidated (including my own) in different places so Peace Corps can keep us safe and protected in case the tropical storm gets crazy and major things happen like all the roads are lost to debris, cell phone towers are destroyed by wind and Noah and his Arc have to rescue us from all the water that will surely engulf the entire island.

My region consolidates in a hotel in Santiago. And although it is sort of like a, "hurrication," as PCV's like to call it, because the hotel has hot water and I'll be with all my American friends; I can't help but feel guilty.

Guilty for ONCE AGAIN bailing on my girls. I know it's not my fault, but how do you explain to 15-year-olds that even though they have to stay in their communities if a disastrous crises happens, like Cholera or a catastrophic tropical storm, I, the American, am whisked away to a nice hotel in the big city where help, if necessary, can be seconds away?

Last night I was complaining/whining to my Mom about everything happening here. About having to cancel my girls weekend again, about a woman who recently passed away in my site, leaving many community members struck with grieve and despair, and about not being able to do anything for community if there really is a bad storm here, because I'll be in a fancy hotel in Santiago. She listened to me like she always does (have I mentioned yet, how amazing my mom is?). And it made me realize, that no matter how hard I try- I will always be separate from my community.

Peace Corps preaches to us about "integrating" into our sites. About becoming "one with the community." But the truth is, we will never be able to fully accomplish this, based on privilege. If this storm is as bad as Peace Corps believes it will be, people in my community are literally going to lose the roofs off their houses. Walls will fall in and water will take out buildings, crops and possibly farm animals. And where will I be? Sitting in a hotel, taking a couple of hot showers a day, using wireless internet and putting on a sweater because the air- conditioning is on so high.


I don't want to seem ungrateful for being a part of an organization that does make my safety and security a priority. I am. I get it. I understand why they are doing this and why it's important for all of us to leave our communities and be in one place in case of a serious emergency.


I just can't help but feel too lucky. Why was I born where I was born to the family I was born to? I know you can't control these things and life is just the way it is- because well, that's the way it is. And this is why I joined the Peace Corps in the first place- to see how the other 2/3 of the world lives. To come back to my American life with appreciation and gratitude that I could never have known otherwise and to give myself to a community in any way I can, even if everything I plan gets canceled two or three times over. 

It's November now. The truth is, with the way my luck is rolling these days, this event might not take place until after the New Year. But when it does, and it will- this damn weekend is going to happen if it's the last thing I accomplish in my life - I'm going to tell every girl who is there that no matter where they come from or what their obstacles are, they can accomplish anything they set their hearts and minds to. Even if I'm lying through my teeth.