blame it on the dengue

To be honest, I have been down the last week or so. I'll blame it on the dengue fever I'm currently recovering from. They tell me that one of the final signs is a case of depression. I thought at first maybe it was being here one year and questioning what it is I've really accomplished, and what I will accomplish in the year ahead. Thinking about projects I started and never finished, or projects that started and ended due to lack of interest. Am I ever going to feel like I really did something for my town? Like my two years here was worth it for the people who live in La Caya and myself? Am I wasting my time here? Have I gotten everything I can in being here and now this next year I'm doomed to boredom and disappointment? How will I know if anything that I've done or will do is sustainable? If a single mom names her child after me (Estesy- as they call me), is that my new definition of sustainable or self-preservation? Maybe the later is more important to me than I ever could have guessed. All these feelings, all these questions and doubts- don't worry, they're not me, it's just the dengue talking.

On Wednesday I'm starting morning English classes. I've been avoiding it as long as I can (and being sick with dengue for a week actually helped that situation). But alas, I can avoid it no longer and so basic English classes will start in the mornings twice a week. English is another thing that sort of depresses me. I feel like it's all I do. I know that if it's all I did for two years, my town would think I did a great and wonderful job. I struggle with English, because although I know why there is so much interest, I can't help but think it's all kind of pointless. What happens after I leave? Nothing. English stops and the majority of my students will not take classes in the nearby town where there is an "English learning center." And the reality of them learning English with me? Some key phrases, grammar and vocabulary- but as I have learned- language learning comes with total immersion. One girl in my class actually asked me this the other day. She asked, "you've been here a year and you speak Spanish now, how come I don't speak English the way you speak Spanish yet." I asked her what language she had just asked me that question in and when she left class what language would she speak when she walked through the door?

Is that how my entire time here is going to be? Once I officially leave in May 2011, my time and my work here will be as insignificant as my English classes? Man, I'm good at feeling sorry for myself. But don't worry, it's just the dengue talking.

Even as depressed as I want to be, God works in mysterious ways. Yesterday, as I took my daily walk up to my center in the morning, a strange and curious thing happened. A bus-full of Americans all wearing matching T-shirts that read "Heath Corps" started to unload into my school. I felt like I was looking at the inside of a fish bowl, watching these Americans unload suitcases full of pharmaceutical drugs, tables, chairs and other supplies.

I sort of stood there like a deer in the headlights, not really sure how to approach these people or what language to speak to them. Finally I made eye contact with a nurse and I asked her what they were doing. She was just as surprised with me as I was with her, and she told me they were staying at an orphanage in a nearby town and were hosting a medical mission today at the school for La Caya. Eventually I found the people in charge, introduced myself, told them my story and asked if I could help. I spent the rest of the day translating from Spanish to English, mostly in the pharmacy. I even got a free sack lunch which consisted of a stale peanut-butter sandwich, an apple, a bag of chips and a gatorade. Everyone complained about the sandwiches were stale and the apples were soggy, but I thought everything was delicious.

I never really figured out how they ended up at La Caya. I asked the people in charge, and they didn't even really seem to know. But I met some great people from all over the states, taking a week off from work or spending their spring break from school helping where they can in the DR. I felt really tired after the day. Maybe because it's the first time I've worked a FULL day since I was in Jimani, but that sounds kinda pathetic, so I'll just blame it on the dengue.

Yesterday was good for me. It gave me hope in the random and unexpected. Even though things can seem mundane here and like I'm not doing much to change them- random Americans can show up and help 300 people in your town in a way you never could. It's humbling and inspiring. Not just because of their work, but because of the relationships I've made here and my understanding of how things work here as well. Yesterday, as I walked around the school, a few of the old woman grabbed me and told me I was "their American." I could feel them being proud of me. It was like bringing home a good report card from school. My community members left yesterday exactly at noon even before they had their prescriptions. When this happened, the nurses and volunteers looked at me as to why they would do this- it made perfect sense to me. "Well, it's lunch time," I told them. "Of course they're going to leave. Aren't you hungry?"

So maybe I'm not changing the world one English class at a time. Of course I am going to be bored and disappointed at some points over the next year, and maybe a baby will never be named after me... but I'm here and I'm living. I'm trying and surviving and am blessed in more ways than i could ever count. Even if I have to take a nap during the day because sometimes, it all gets to be too much- no worries, I'll just blame it on the dengue.